Best Friends Page 5

  Our department had a big Fourth of July barbeque planned for today, and Cheyanne and I were in charge of the drink stand. I had a pretty good idea that Malcolm and his partner, Jarod, would be manning the barbequing tent. They did that every year just like me and Cheyanne got roped into the refreshments. I was fully aware that completely avoiding Malcolm would be difficult.

  I arrived at the park, nervous about potentially running into Malcolm. My eyes scanned the area, looking for him. When I saw that the meat tent was directly next to our drink stand I almost ran out of the park. Big plumes of smoke billowed as Malcolm and Jarod worked to get the grills up to speed. Taking in the lean frame of my old friend, my stomach churned. His jeans hugged his muscled thighs as he bent over grabbing paper plates and napkins. Whatever I felt for him hadn’t lessened with time, that was for sure.

  Cheyanne was already in our tent hanging balloons. She was well aware that Malcolm and I had had a falling out, and she knew what had caused the schism in our friendship. At first I’d held the reason tight to my chest. I’d been too embarrassed and prideful to let anyone know how I felt about Malcolm. But as the days and weeks passed I’d begun dropping tiny hints to her until one day at Frankie’s she’d pulled the whole story out of me. It had been torture enduring the loss of my best friend without being able to talk about it. And I had to respect Cheyanne because after she found out the reason for our falling out, she didn’t treat me any differently than before. She’d been surprised, and at first she’d thought maybe I was kidding her. But when she realized I was actually in love with my best friend she’d been nothing but supportive.

  Grabbing my arm and pulling me to the far corner of our booth, Cheyanne said at the top of her lungs, “Did you get the ice?”

  I frowned at her. “They’re delivering ice, remember?”

  “I know that, dummy,” she whispered. “I just didn’t want You Know Who to think we’re talking about him.”

  Throwing a cautious glance toward the meat tent, I met Jarod’s friendly gaze. “Hey, Carrick.” He smiled. “Hope you two don’t mind smelling like barbeque.”

  “Doesn’t look like we have much choice,” I responded, wishing I didn’t sound so damn stilted.

  Malcolm turned and nodded politely when our eyes locked. But he didn’t say anything and just went back to work. I felt sick at how withdrawn he was. Since we were kids we’d never gone anywhere together that we didn’t gravitate to one another. I enjoyed him more than any other human on this planet, and now he hated me.

  Cheyanne dragged me over to start hanging signs and I did my best to not stare over at Malcolm. It was hard because I’d hear his husky laugh and my stomach would warm. I wanted to know what he found so funny and hear whatever stories he had to share. But he didn’t want me around anymore. He thought I was cold, and unloving, when truthfully I was merely scared.

  When people began arriving to the park I had no time to worry about my fractured relationship with Malcolm. I spent the next four hours handing out drinks and socializing with curious citizens. The few times I looked over, Malcolm and Jarod were equally busy as people bombarded their tent for food.

  When things began to slow down a little toward late afternoon, Cheyanne nudged me with her elbow. “You should go talk to Malcolm.”

  “What?” I looked at her like I thought she was crazy. “I can’t do that.”

  “He’s your best friend. It’s weird that you haven’t tried talking this out yet.” She popped open a couple of cans of soda and filled Styrofoam cups for some giggling kids who ran up to the booth.

  “He doesn’t want to talk to me.” I flicked my glance nervously toward my old friend, my heart fluttering at the sight of his broad shoulders.

  “Of course he does.”

  “He hates me.”

  She snorted. “That is the complete opposite of what he feels. He was mad at you for wanting to hide your relationship with him. How do you get hate out of that?”

  “I’m saying he hates me now. He’s disgusted by what a chicken shit I am.”

  “Well, you’re not helping convince me he isn’t right. That’s for sure.” She rolled her eyes.

  “Yeah. I know. I’m a coward.”

  Shrugging, she said, “Having a conversation with him isn’t outside your skill set. Besides, you’ve been best friends forever. Of course you need to talk.”

  I sighed. “I’ve seen how he is when he’s pissed off. It isn’t pretty.”

  “Well, if you guys don’t repair this soon it’s going to get easier and easier to just let it go. Is that what you really want?” Her eyes were wide.

  “No.”

  “Then get your cowardly ass over there and talk to him.”

  I huffed. “He didn’t understand why I needed time. I doubt that’s changed.”

  “He’s had a lot of time to calm down. It wasn’t unreasonable of you to want time to figure things out between you two privately. But it also wasn’t weird that, as strongly as he feels about you, he wouldn’t want to hide that. You two bozos need to meet in the middle. He needs to be more understanding, and you need to man up and stop acting like your sex life is anyone else’s business.”

  “That’s easy for you to say.”

  She nodded. “Okay. Maybe that’s true. But you’re not the first bisexual cop to ever join the department.”

  I looked around nervously. “Could you please keep it down?”

  Snorting, she rolled her eyes. “Did you know we have three openly gay cops at our station?” Her tone was casual.

  “We do? I didn’t know that.”

  She filled a cup with ice and poured an orange soda for a little girl with braids. Once the child left the area she turned to me. “Of course you didn’t. You know why? It’s none of your business.”

  I frowned at her, confused. “Okaayyy.”

  “Their sex lives are none of your business, just like who you sleep with isn’t any of theirs. You’re a grown man. Act like it.”

  I flushed. “Shit, Cheyanne. Tell me how you really feel.”

  She faced me with her arms crossed. “I’m frustrated with you.”

  “Yeah, I’m kind of picking up on that.”

  “You two clowns have been eyeballing each other all day. But it’s painful to watch because neither one of you wants to make the first move. What are you, five? It’s ridiculous. If you want to be with Malcolm and he wants to be with you, then stop acting like anyone else is keeping you apart. You two need to get out of your own damn way.”

  It wasn’t easy to hear, but I knew she was right. I glanced over just in time to see Malcolm look away. God, I was terrified to approach him first in case he rejected me. He was amazingly patient, but once he got mad, he got furious, grudge-holding mad.

  “Why are you so afraid of what other people think?” Cheyanne’s question jarred my thoughts.

  Shrugging, I faced her. “Because I have to work really hard to be accepted as it is.”

  She smirked. “Yeah. Me too. So what? You think it’s been easy being a woman cop in a predominantly male profession? It’s been harder than anything I’ve ever done. But I love it. And all the hardships don’t make it not worth it.”

  Nodding, I said, “Everything you’re saying makes sense, and I just want him back in my life.”

  “It’s so obvious you love him.” Her gaze was sympathetic.

  I glanced over at Malcolm grilling hamburgers. That familiar lock of hair was falling over his brow, and his full lips were curved in a smile at something Jarod was saying. My heart ached with need. I wanted to go over and beg him to forgive me.

  She sighed. “I’m not saying I have all the answers. But if you two love each other you have to at least try, right?”

  “What if I’m not strong enough to put up with homophobes and people who might be jerks to us?”

  Her gaze softened. “You are, Carrick. You’re so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. Plus you won’t be alone. Malcolm will be by your side going thr
ough it with you. Just like always. You two have always been there for each other.”

  “Yeah.” Sucking in a big breath, I closed my eyes, trying to steel myself against the anxiety curling in my gut.

  When I opened my lids Cheyanne pushed me toward Malcolm’s tent. “Stop stalling and talk to him.” I lost my balance slightly and knocked into one of the poles holding up their tent. Scowling back at her, I straightened my shirt and turned toward Malcolm. He was watching me with a guarded look in his eyes.

  “Hey—” My voice broke and I sounded like a strangled chicken. I cleared my throat and tried again. “Hey, you want to take a walk?”

  Malcolm hesitated and looked toward Jarod, who said, “It’s slowed to a trickle. I can handle this just fine, dude. Go for it.” Jarod saluted his partner and turned back to the grill.

  Shrugging, Malcolm pulled off his apron. “Okay, I guess.”

  We walked away from the tents in silence, with my heart pounding like crazy. His clean familiar scent filled my nostrils, and I was so happy to have him next to me I felt giddy. But when I glanced over at him his expression was grim, his mouth in a straight line. We reached a grove of maple trees on the outskirts of the festivities and stopped walking.

  I spoke first. “How…how’ve you been?”

  “Fine.” His answer was curt as he stared back the way we’d come.

  “Great.” I bit my lip and decided to break out of my usual emotionless state. “I’ve missed you.” For me, saying anything sentimental was challenging. Just saying that small thing made me feel like I’d said “I love you and will die if I can’t have you.”

  He snorted and didn’t respond, which made me twice as self-conscious.

  “I heard you arrested that rapist that the entire department was trying to catch.” I wondered if I sounded as nervous to him as I felt.

  “Yep.” He tugged at a low hanging branch, pulling on the leaves in silence. I knew him well enough to know he was listening to me even if he looked uninterested.

  “You might even get a commendation out of that arrest.”

  Giving me an impatient glance, he said, “If you just wanted to get out of the booth to talk about work I think I’m going to head back.”

  My stomach dropped and I felt frozen in place. But then I forced myself to move closer to him. “No. Don’t go. I want to talk about us too.”

  “Okay.”

  “I meant it when I said I missed you. It’s been sad without you around. I’ve gone through every flavor of soup the grocery store carries. I’ll probably die of sodium poisoning by the end of the month.”

  He rolled his eyes, but I noticed his lips twitched. “It certainly wouldn’t hurt you to eat a damn apple every now and then.”

  “Yeah. I know. I tend to do a lot of self-destructive things. Like eating canned soup and driving my best friend away.”

  He sighed and leaned against the trunk of the tree. “Look, I’ve missed you too, but I just can’t be around you. It’s too painful.”

  “How can you just stop being my friend like it’s nothing to you?”

  He narrowed his gaze. “Nothing to me?”

  “You’re all cold and shit.”

  He touched his chest. “I’m devastated, man. You broke my fucking heart.” He looked away and shook his head again in disgust. “It doesn’t matter.”

  “It does. I want to try with you.”

  He squinted at me. “What does that mean?”

  “I want to be with you…you know.”

  “Secretly?”

  I huffed. “Of course not. I think we both know you’re not a fan of the secret relationship thing. Okay?” I ran a shaky hand through my hair. “But in all fairness I never expected to have these feelings for you. I didn’t see it coming at all, and I think I had every right to be freaked out.” I stopped talking and watched him apprehensively.

  He watched me with hooded eyes in silence. Then he nodded. “I agree. I didn’t allow you any time to come to terms with these feelings we had toward each other. I’m…I’m sorry about that.”

  My chest tightened with emotion. “Really?”

  Nodding, he said, “Yes.”

  “Okay. Well, that’s promising.” I took a deep breath and touched his elbow tentatively. “I can’t lose you. I just can’t, Malcolm. I can’t even conceive of a future without you in it.”

  He didn’t respond like I’d hoped. He shook his head and pressed his lips together. It seemed like forever before he finally spoke. “I don’t want to just be your friend. I need more. I didn’t even know it until the convention but I’m in love with you. I’ve never felt this way about anybody, and it’s fucking horrible because you just want to be my buddy.” He looked away, blinking rapidly.

  Jesus. If he started crying I was going to lose it too. I was terrified of what people would say about us being together. But that fear was nothing compared to the dread of losing Malcolm forever. “I love you too,” I whispered.

  He flicked his nervous gaze toward me. “What?”

  I licked my lips and tried to speak more forcefully. “I love you. I want to try. I don’t know how to go about that, and I am embarrassed about what people will think of me. But I can’t lose you. I have to have you in my life.”

  He rubbed his face tiredly. “C. Don’t say this shit to me just because you’re lonely.”

  Frowning, I said, “That’s not why I’m saying this. I don’t get lonely. I like being alone.”

  “Yeah, I know you do.” He gave an affectionate smile.

  “I’m not like you, Malcolm. I don’t have your confidence. I’ve had to work really hard to be taken seriously by the guys because I’m not the big macho type. So it scares the shit out of me what they’ll say about me now. I don’t want to start over again just because of whom I love, you know?”

  “The guys respect you. They won’t give you any more shit than they’ll give me. The difference is I don’t care. I know what I want and that’s you. The guys can go fuck themselves for all I care.”

  I laughed gruffly. “See that comes so easily to you.”

  “I’m not living my life for them, C.”

  “And I love that about you too. You’re so fearless.” I grimaced. “I want that. I hate being afraid all the time.”

  “You don’t have to be afraid of what we have. You should be amazed by it instead. Because do you know how rare it is to love someone you are best friends with too?”

  “Well, afraid or not, I want to be with you.” It took a lot to say that but I meant every word.

  “I’ve always loved you, C.” He rubbed his chest as if it hurt. “You’re like a part of me. I want to have all of you. I don’t want anyone else to have parts of you I can’t have.”

  “I want that too.” My voice shook.

  His brown eyes softened. “If you and I are happy together, then fuck the naysayers. Fuck them, C. Because you’re who I care about. You’re who I want with me for the rest of my life.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Absolutely, C.”

  I moved then and grabbed him, pressing my lips to his warm mouth. He whimpered and opened up, letting my tongue explore his. God, I’d missed this. Shit, I hadn’t even realized how much I needed it until the warmth of him sank into my soul. I had Malcolm back in my arms and I was never letting go. Fuck other people. Malcolm was mine and I wanted all of him.

  Lifting my head, I was breathless. “God, damn you’re good at verbalizing your feelings.”

  He grinned and pulled me tighter, his cock hard against mine. “Is this real? Am I actually holding you?”

  I nodded and pushed my face into his chest, clutching his shirt. “Please don’t ever turn your back on me again.”

  “I don’t just want a tiny piece of you,” he growled. “You understand what I’m saying?”

  My stomach tumbled at the raw emotion in his gaze. “Yeah. I’m so thankful you forgave me. I don’t give a shit about anything else right now.”

  He chuckled and pul
led me behind the tree so we were out of sight. He kissed me soundly and pushed his hard crotch against mine. “I wish I had you alone right now.”

  “You’re coming home with me after this.”

  “I won’t argue with that.” He pressed his lips to mine again. When the kiss ended, he said, “You were pretty brave approaching me today. I thought for sure you were gonna pussy out.”

  I grinned. “Cheyanne wouldn’t let me.”

  “I’m glad, C. I’ve been in hell these last few weeks. It was like my left nut was missing.”

  I laughed. “You have a real way with words.”

  “I’m quite the romantic. You’ll see.” He lifted my chin and kissed me softly. He lifted his head. “Do you realize you said you love me?”

  Hugging him tight, I said, “I had to say something to get your attention.”

  “Yeah?” he asked quietly.

  My eyes felt damp and I spoke softly. “You’re a clingy bastard, Malcolm. I don’t know why I keep you around.”

  He sighed and held me close to his heart. “I love you too, C. I love you too.”

  Epilogue

  My doorbell rang and I hurried to let Malcolm in. My stomach tumbled at the sight of him. His brown eyes glittered when he saw me. He held out a six-pack as he spoke. “I’m spending the night and I don’t want to hear another word about it.”

  I kissed him as soon as he finished speaking, his warm lips settling my anxious pulse. Lifting my head, I tried to catch my breath. “Are you under the impression I wouldn’t want you to spend the night?”

  “I’m never sure with you.” He sighed. “You were acting kind of weird around Sal today at lunch, and I wasn’t sure if it was because I kissed you in front of him.”

  Turning away from him, I headed to the fridge to chill the beer. “You couldn’t see him, but I could. He frowned.”

  Malcolm grabbed a chip from a bowl I had on the counter. “His face just looks like that most of the time. You need to ignore him. You take everything too seriously.”

  We’d been openly dating an entire month now. I won’t lie and say it was smooth sailing. Several of the guys had flat out told me I was going to hell because of my relationship with Malcolm. But the weird thing was the second I saw Malcolm walking toward me five minutes later, their stinging ugly words had evaporated in the warmth of his smile.